You could shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you will never again be foolish enough to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with just a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for a couple of weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you'll be back for a rematch at some time. You can not just let that Bandit win so conveniently, can you? No way.

It is just a machine, in the end, with a "brain" comprised of wires and microchips. You, on the flip side, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to possess any hope at all in surviving the worldwide war against machines that surely will come some day, we would better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter in the sort of sweeping historical context and also you will see that it is not simply a choice but an obligation for you to get back on the horse as soon as possible.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it could be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You might not know that the slot machine passes by different names in overseas nations. For instance, within the United Kingdom, it is called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, please.) In Australia, the slot is called a "poker machine," which is much more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of a little girl's toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you will get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or maybe more reels, which spin any time a lever on the side of the equipment is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the cash inserted to play. The equipment typically pays off based upon patterns of symbols visible in the event the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. Essentially, onto those tips who were promised a few paragraphs ago:

Become intimately familiar with each good online slot gambling machine's payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a number of banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, and this is the place you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for time and money spent. Even when you don't hit the jackpot, you could still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, and other perks.

This will be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you may afford and only spend cash you may risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you're losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not much of a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it's no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.